random thoughts

45 days: day 18

Feels like I was just submitting an entry. Time goes by so fast. Day 18 of the supplements and day 4 of counting calories. Still doing it. My calorie intake is going to be the same as yesterday because I’m eating the same thing I ate yesterday.  No harm in that.

I hit the gym to do 30 minutes on the treadmill and I burned 245 cals. I keep upping the speed and incline. But only if I feel like I can take it. If I start getting too exhausted I will take it down a notch. I don’t want to be miserable.

Weight-wise I am currently at 180.6lbs. Chipping away at it.

I am still worried about tonight because it is my night off. I will be craving cookies like a mad woman. And having cookies would not be so bad if I could eat just one or two. Not twelve.


45 days: day(s) 13 & 14

I’ve missed blogging for 2 entries. I kept forgetting. I have not missed any supplements, but I am becoming a little frustrated because I have not lost any weight. I am yo-yo-ing between 181lbs and 184lbs. I didn’t want to do it, but today I am going to start counting calories. Grrrr. 1,200 cals a day and then burn at least 200 at the gym.

45 days: day 12

Still going strong. Have not missed a day of taking the supplements. I have been late taking them on my nights off form work. That’s only because I usually sleep later on those nights, but I still take them.

I hit the gym tonight. Did 30 minutes on the treadmill and lifted some weights. While lifting weights I was also staring at myself in the mirror. The last time I did that I almost fell over laughing. I’m so awkward. Tonight, when I looked at myself I thought that I had an ok body… except for my horrible mid section. My tits are ok. Well, in the right bra. Something else I need to work on- finding a proper bra. I’ve always like my legs. They aren’t of the chicken variety or too fat. My arms are alright. My body isn’t a complete train wreck. I just gotta get rid of the muffin top gut.

No weighing myself tonight. I don’t want to weigh myself until I get the eating thing under control. I keep eating at odd times and cannot get a good read on my weight. I like to do it at the same time every day. I’ll try for tomorrow night.

exactly how does one pull themselves out of the dumpster fire that is their life?

I’m going take a break from blogging about my supplement taking and write a little about the rest of my life.

“It’s terrible.” 

What’s wrong with it?

“A lot.”

I need to fix my life.

I mean, I have the very basics down- job, reliable transportation, place to live, health insurance (finally!). I’ve done ok with that. It’s the outside things that I’m having trouble with. I’m in quite a bit of debt. I don’t know how to make or maintain friendships. I have not dated in forever. I’m a minimum of 40lbs overweight.


The good thing about all of my issues is that they are all fixable issues. I can change them….you know, if I wasn’t such a dolt.

Debt- I have almost $70,000 worth of debt. Yikes! That is a big ass number. Student loans and taxes. The student loans are understandable, but the taxes should have never happened. I allowed them to snowball and now I’m paying (ha!) the consequences. My credit is shit and I will probably never see another tax refund.

It eats at me because I can’t enjoy my money. I don’t make a lot, but if I didn’t have these two black clouds over me I could actually save a little and still have some left over to enjoy frivolous things. Oh well. No one to blame, but myself. I need to figure out how to get from under this.

Friendships- I have not made/had a friend in 6 or 7 years. If exes do not count as friends then it’s been way longer than that. I have work friends. People I talk to and am friendly with while at work, but I would not want to spend any time with them away from work.

I am kind of friendly with someone I met in my now deleted KIK group. We text every now and then, but neither one of us has suggested meeting since she had to bow out of our movie meet up. I’m not really looking forward to meeting any way. She seems friendly enough, but she also seems like she has a lot going on.

She is a closeted bi woman who’s in a relationship with a man she does not like and is only with because they have a kid. Don’t misunderstand, this isn’t going to be a romantic meeting between us. I’m not into her like that. She also has a kid aaaand I don’t like kids. I’m not sure how this is going to work.

I have not been trying to meet anyone lately. Friendship or otherwise. I feel like I should be out trying to make some sort of social connections, but at the same time I feel over it. I don’t want to put the work in. I’m sure I’ll be going deeper into this in another post.


May I borrow those, Principal Skinner?

Dating- Aaaaarrrrggghhh!! I’ve all but given up on dating. I just don’t want to do it. Online dating is so fucked! So many flakers. Jesus Christ. And it doesn’t just happen to me. In my old kik group there were complaints from almost every one about the same issues. Hell, there was a woman in the group who lied about having HIV just to get out of the friends with benefits thing she had with another woman in the group. What in the ever loving fuck is wrong with people!? Just horrible story after horrible story. It’s become such a drag.

I’ve also become insanely picky. Annoyingly so, even to myself. Almost anything can turn me off. The last woman had gotten bangs shortly after we started talking and for whatever reason they made her instantly unattractive to me. Luckily, down the road she confessed to having herpes and I found out she was married so it was easy to get out of that situation without feeling guilty. I should have been upset because she lied to me about being married, and I was a little, but when I really think about it, I was more relieved that I would not have to lie about liking her bangs or being ok with dating someone who has herpes.

40lbs to lose– Working on this one. Taking it slow.

There are other things, but I don’t feel like writing any more. I’m bumming myself out.






45 days: day 8

I took the supplements and have not experienced any kind of side effects today. It’s official- I am blaming the nausea I had earlier this week on PMS.

No gym. No weigh in.

Tomorrow I will start a gym schedule of 4 days a week. Now to figure out an eating schedule. When you work overnights it turns everything upside down. I’m thinking- weigh myself at 5pm. Eat dinner at 5:30-6pm. Lunch (or snack) 11:30pm and breakfast after the gym, around 5am. We’ll see how long this sticks.

45 days: day 7

Alright, one week on the supplements. And what a rocky week this has been. Geez. PMS basically fucking everything up. I’m not weighing myself until this is over because I’m taking pain relievers for cramps and that is throwing off my schedule.

I’m marching towards the end so my periods don’t last as long now. Only two or three days. I should be fine tomorrow.

I took the two supplements for day 7 a little while ago and I feel ok. And still besides the very yellow urine, I have not had any side effects.

Next week I’m going to set up a gym schedule. I’m thinking four days a week to start.