black lesbian

45 days: day 18

Feels like I was just submitting an entry. Time goes by so fast. Day 18 of the supplements and day 4 of counting calories. Still doing it. My calorie intake is going to be the same as yesterday because I’m eating the same thing I ate yesterday.  No harm in that.

I hit the gym to do 30 minutes on the treadmill and I burned 245 cals. I keep upping the speed and incline. But only if I feel like I can take it. If I start getting too exhausted I will take it down a notch. I don’t want to be miserable.

Weight-wise I am currently at 180.6lbs. Chipping away at it.

I am still worried about tonight because it is my night off. I will be craving cookies like a mad woman. And having cookies would not be so bad if I could eat just one or two. Not twelve.

45 days: day 11

I totally forgot to blog last night. I took the supplements. No change. I am still avoiding the vending machine at work, but gorging on Crunch Berry cereal when I get home. I weighed myself, but can’t remember what the number was. I don’t believe there was a change. Still in the 180’s. Ugh.

exactly how does one pull themselves out of the dumpster fire that is their life?

I’m going take a break from blogging about my supplement taking and write a little about the rest of my life.

“It’s terrible.” 

What’s wrong with it?

“A lot.”

I need to fix my life.

I mean, I have the very basics down- job, reliable transportation, place to live, health insurance (finally!). I’ve done ok with that. It’s the outside things that I’m having trouble with. I’m in quite a bit of debt. I don’t know how to make or maintain friendships. I have not dated in forever. I’m a minimum of 40lbs overweight.

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The good thing about all of my issues is that they are all fixable issues. I can change them….you know, if I wasn’t such a dolt.

Debt- I have almost $70,000 worth of debt. Yikes! That is a big ass number. Student loans and taxes. The student loans are understandable, but the taxes should have never happened. I allowed them to snowball and now I’m paying (ha!) the consequences. My credit is shit and I will probably never see another tax refund.

It eats at me because I can’t enjoy my money. I don’t make a lot, but if I didn’t have these two black clouds over me I could actually save a little and still have some left over to enjoy frivolous things. Oh well. No one to blame, but myself. I need to figure out how to get from under this.

Friendships- I have not made/had a friend in 6 or 7 years. If exes do not count as friends then it’s been way longer than that. I have work friends. People I talk to and am friendly with while at work, but I would not want to spend any time with them away from work.

I am kind of friendly with someone I met in my now deleted KIK group. We text every now and then, but neither one of us has suggested meeting since she had to bow out of our movie meet up. I’m not really looking forward to meeting any way. She seems friendly enough, but she also seems like she has a lot going on.

She is a closeted bi woman who’s in a relationship with a man she does not like and is only with because they have a kid. Don’t misunderstand, this isn’t going to be a romantic meeting between us. I’m not into her like that. She also has a kid aaaand I don’t like kids. I’m not sure how this is going to work.

I have not been trying to meet anyone lately. Friendship or otherwise. I feel like I should be out trying to make some sort of social connections, but at the same time I feel over it. I don’t want to put the work in. I’m sure I’ll be going deeper into this in another post.

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May I borrow those, Principal Skinner?

Dating- Aaaaarrrrggghhh!! I’ve all but given up on dating. I just don’t want to do it. Online dating is so fucked! So many flakers. Jesus Christ. And it doesn’t just happen to me. In my old kik group there were complaints from almost every one about the same issues. Hell, there was a woman in the group who lied about having HIV just to get out of the friends with benefits thing she had with another woman in the group. What in the ever loving fuck is wrong with people!? Just horrible story after horrible story. It’s become such a drag.

I’ve also become insanely picky. Annoyingly so, even to myself. Almost anything can turn me off. The last woman had gotten bangs shortly after we started talking and for whatever reason they made her instantly unattractive to me. Luckily, down the road she confessed to having herpes and I found out she was married so it was easy to get out of that situation without feeling guilty. I should have been upset because she lied to me about being married, and I was a little, but when I really think about it, I was more relieved that I would not have to lie about liking her bangs or being ok with dating someone who has herpes.

40lbs to lose– Working on this one. Taking it slow.

There are other things, but I don’t feel like writing any more. I’m bumming myself out.

 

 

 

 

 

45 days: day 5

I missed posting this at my regular time. I had another weird day. I was still feeling nauseous yesterday after I woke up and had to work on what normally would have been my day off. Top it all off with having a training class with people who made my anxiety shoot through the roof, it made for a pretty fucked up day. How I got through yesterday? I do not know.

I came home and ate a little, tried my best to calm down and went to sleep. I took the supplements before work and I still can’t tell if they are causing the nausea because the nausea never went away from the day before. So it still could have been the milk and donut I had after work the night before.

No gym.

I weighed myself after work. 181.8lbs. A one pound gain from the last weigh in. Not too upset about it though. I’m more worried about why I’ve been sick the past couple of days. This isn’t like me. I’m hoping it’s PMS related. It’s about that time. I don’t want to give up milk and donuts.

 

45 days: day 4

I don’t know what happened, but I am feeling very nauseous. It started a couple of hours ago after I arrived home from work and ate a chocolate glazed donut and drank a cup of milk. I swallowed a piece of gum at work too so maybe that is it. 

4th day of the taking supplements and it has been going ok. I think the stomach aches I’m having are from other things I believe…at least I hope. I’m cutting out the junk for now.

Not weighing myself tonight. I had lunch at work and that threw off what I’ve had going for the past 3 days. I will weigh myself for the next blog entry.

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Ugly on the inside and out am I.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I probably come in at a 4, maybe a 5 on a good day. I’m fat. 176lbs the last time I weighed myself. I took a picture of myself the other day and was horrified. I thought maybe it was because I was kind of laying down, so I took one sitting up. Bad idea. So fat. And sloppy also. It’s really bad.

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Not an exact match, but you get the idea. My teeth and skin are actually worse 😦

I have bad skin. Scars from my teenage war with acne are still visible. Not to mention pores for days. I haven’t had my eyebrows waxed in months now. My hair. My god. It’s a complete mess. Thanks, laziness.