interracial relationship

45 days: day 22

Ugh. Not good. Not good. I lost it last night and ate a lot of stuff I should not have eaten. Cookies. Crunch Berries cereal. I am not happy with myself. Dammit! Couldn’t make it a week. I have to find a way to get through the nights off from work. They mess me up.

My weight is 179.6. I gained 1.2lbs since the last weigh in. Overall for my calorie counting week I lost a total of 2.8lbs. That’s not bad, but it could have been better.


pointless kik rant because i’m annoyed

I started another chat room on kik. This one is for single lesbians who are looking for more than just a hook up. I posted on craigslist looking for members.


You are right to laugh at me, Homer.

I have 14 members so far and as usual not a single lesbian among them. Well, except me. I’m really starting think that I am the only actual lesbian in existence if craigslist is anything to go by. Every single time I post I get men and married bi women messaging me to join. No lesbians.

This was one of the messages I received in reference to the part of my ad that states people who want to join need to be verified. This is exactly how it was sent to me.

“verfiy this 10.5 inches and luv every inch that you will be recving”

Off to a great start!

Women on craigslist are becoming just as bad. I added a woman to the chat and then messaged her to let her know she’d been added. She thanked me and then a couple of minutes later she sent me a picture of her ass. Jesus Christ. I fucking hate that.

I didn’t ask for a picture of her ass. Do these people know that Google images exist? I can look at all types of asses whenever I feel like it. And her ass has the same effect those do…NONE. Random asses, tits and vaginas don’t do anything for me and I let her know that. A little harsh? Perhaps, but I was just not in the mood to deal. It happens way too much. I’d had a guy the day before message me a picture of his ass in a woman’s thong. I was still peeved from that.

I wanted this room to be more of a dating hub. You know, for people who were NOT looking for fuck buddies, casual sex, or hook-ups, but who were looking for actual relationship possibilities. I stated that, very clearly, in the ad. Sadly, I went into the room last night and the women were talking about how horny they were and posting pictures of their tits and asses. Sigh.

I’m not trying to be a prude or anything, but c’mon. This is not what this particular room is for. I have another failure on my hands.


45 days: day 11

I totally forgot to blog last night. I took the supplements. No change. I am still avoiding the vending machine at work, but gorging on Crunch Berry cereal when I get home. I weighed myself, but can’t remember what the number was. I don’t believe there was a change. Still in the 180’s. Ugh.

exactly how does one pull themselves out of the dumpster fire that is their life?

I’m going take a break from blogging about my supplement taking and write a little about the rest of my life.

“It’s terrible.” 

What’s wrong with it?

“A lot.”

I need to fix my life.

I mean, I have the very basics down- job, reliable transportation, place to live, health insurance (finally!). I’ve done ok with that. It’s the outside things that I’m having trouble with. I’m in quite a bit of debt. I don’t know how to make or maintain friendships. I have not dated in forever. I’m a minimum of 40lbs overweight.


The good thing about all of my issues is that they are all fixable issues. I can change them….you know, if I wasn’t such a dolt.

Debt- I have almost $70,000 worth of debt. Yikes! That is a big ass number. Student loans and taxes. The student loans are understandable, but the taxes should have never happened. I allowed them to snowball and now I’m paying (ha!) the consequences. My credit is shit and I will probably never see another tax refund.

It eats at me because I can’t enjoy my money. I don’t make a lot, but if I didn’t have these two black clouds over me I could actually save a little and still have some left over to enjoy frivolous things. Oh well. No one to blame, but myself. I need to figure out how to get from under this.

Friendships- I have not made/had a friend in 6 or 7 years. If exes do not count as friends then it’s been way longer than that. I have work friends. People I talk to and am friendly with while at work, but I would not want to spend any time with them away from work.

I am kind of friendly with someone I met in my now deleted KIK group. We text every now and then, but neither one of us has suggested meeting since she had to bow out of our movie meet up. I’m not really looking forward to meeting any way. She seems friendly enough, but she also seems like she has a lot going on.

She is a closeted bi woman who’s in a relationship with a man she does not like and is only with because they have a kid. Don’t misunderstand, this isn’t going to be a romantic meeting between us. I’m not into her like that. She also has a kid aaaand I don’t like kids. I’m not sure how this is going to work.

I have not been trying to meet anyone lately. Friendship or otherwise. I feel like I should be out trying to make some sort of social connections, but at the same time I feel over it. I don’t want to put the work in. I’m sure I’ll be going deeper into this in another post.


May I borrow those, Principal Skinner?

Dating- Aaaaarrrrggghhh!! I’ve all but given up on dating. I just don’t want to do it. Online dating is so fucked! So many flakers. Jesus Christ. And it doesn’t just happen to me. In my old kik group there were complaints from almost every one about the same issues. Hell, there was a woman in the group who lied about having HIV just to get out of the friends with benefits thing she had with another woman in the group. What in the ever loving fuck is wrong with people!? Just horrible story after horrible story. It’s become such a drag.

I’ve also become insanely picky. Annoyingly so, even to myself. Almost anything can turn me off. The last woman had gotten bangs shortly after we started talking and for whatever reason they made her instantly unattractive to me. Luckily, down the road she confessed to having herpes and I found out she was married so it was easy to get out of that situation without feeling guilty. I should have been upset because she lied to me about being married, and I was a little, but when I really think about it, I was more relieved that I would not have to lie about liking her bangs or being ok with dating someone who has herpes.

40lbs to lose– Working on this one. Taking it slow.

There are other things, but I don’t feel like writing any more. I’m bumming myself out.






45 days: day 1

I took the first of 45 daily dosages (doses?) of the “GNC Women’s Ultra Mega Energy & Metabolism” dietary supplements today. The pills are HUGE. I broke each one in half and took them that way. There wasn’t a weird aftertaste and I haven’t felt any nausea. However, it did turn my urine a bright yellow. Almost all of the reviews I’ve read said that that happens. There wasn’t any burning or odor so I’m not going to worry about it.

It also did not wire me up which I’m happy about. I love and fear caffeine. I want an energy boost, but just a tiny one when I’m home. At work my energy seems to be leveled. I’m never tired or over-energized.

All in all I feel fine after this take.

After work I hit the gym for 30 minutes on the treadmill and some weight lifting (barely). I noticed that they removed the row machines from our gym. The fuck? That was my favorite thing to do after the treadmill. Booo!! I bet some moron got injured on it.

Afterwards I came home and weighed myself.


I saw the number and didn’t become instantly depressed at the sight of it like last time. I’m ok with it…for now. I don’t want to see that number go higher.

I figure I will closely monitor things with the supplements for a week and after I’ve gotten into a groove I’m comfortable with I’ll make another small change. I don’t want to try and do it all overnight. That’s a sure fire way for me to fail, say “fuck it!” grab a pint of butter pecan ice cream, a pan of brownies and nest in front my TV. I’m not dealing with that shit.



Ugly on the inside and out am I.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I probably come in at a 4, maybe a 5 on a good day. I’m fat. 176lbs the last time I weighed myself. I took a picture of myself the other day and was horrified. I thought maybe it was because I was kind of laying down, so I took one sitting up. Bad idea. So fat. And sloppy also. It’s really bad.


Not an exact match, but you get the idea. My teeth and skin are actually worse 😦

I have bad skin. Scars from my teenage war with acne are still visible. Not to mention pores for days. I haven’t had my eyebrows waxed in months now. My hair. My god. It’s a complete mess. Thanks, laziness.